In Startling news, oft-photographed model Giselle Urph has ended her long standing romance with business mogul Jonathan Merika. Urph has long been associated with the ethos of the entire world, while Merika is a paragon of his home country, The USA. Dwarfing the likes of other movers and shakers Brad and Angelina (Brangelina), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (TomKat) and Pam Anderson and Kid Rock (Sluttrash), Urph and Merika reigned supreme as the preeminent power couple. The two had been romantically involved for years; ostensibly a model of monogamous synergy ever since the well publicized three way tryst involving the Russian oligarch Dmitri Petrovski came to an end in the late 1980’s.
(Urph and Merika in happier times)
Urph says of her previous flirtation with the two rival suitors, “Once I realized that the stress and tension was going to kill us all, it became obvious that I’d have to pick one of them. For a long time, Johnny was a good choice.” Multiple small fights and petty arguments over seemingly innocuous subjects, such as workers’ rights in Asian factories, put everyone on their toes. Mercifully, Urph chose to go steady with Merika, leaving the dejected Petrovski dumped and single. Since that falling out, the Russian has only sparingly seen the limelight, most recently in a business deal with a group in Georgia that fell flat with investors.
Indeed, the Urph-Merika courtship started out with fantastic promise. In their early years, the two were often spotted engaged in excited flirtation. Merika would arrive unannounced, flowers in hand, and whisk the model off her feet. Pleasure cruises in his convertible Corvette were the name of the game, and he’d often take Urph out to dinner at upscale restaurants. Without fail, Merika would always pick up the bill. His nonchalance with expenditures initially made Urph uneasy, as though the businessman expect something in return, but during their nascent courtship, he always maintained a gentlemanly attitude.
These lavish attentions gave the entertainer and model a feeling she hadn’t felt in the years prior to her fling with Merika. She’d suffered through multiple broken relationships with a string of B-listers. Congressman Anatoli Griego, Admiral Julius Rome, and rapper Widespread Islam (or We-I, as he’s best known in the hip hop world) had all led Urph by the arm to various film screenings and short-term dating scenarios prior to Merika’s arrival.
When asked to reminisce about those old flings, Giselle was hesitant to drag too many skeletons from her closet. However, she would offer the following: “Anatoli was fine, but he was kind of old fashioned. The thing that really stands out is that all he wanted to do was fuck me in the ass. Jules was fine, and to be honest, I thought we had some long-term promise. He got pretty caught up with his image, and then ran off with some Egyptian broad. That was that. Although, thinking about it, Jules sometimes reminded me of Anatoli. And We-I, well…”
Of course, Urph is referring to We-I’s well-publicized rise and decline. He’d come from a prominent recording family, and his debut album, The Stars of Love, The Mathematics of Desire, had gone triple platinum. Soon after, however, he’d tried to expand into genres that were too experimental for his core audience, and with the release of his first Spanish language record Te Adoro, Te Odio failing to achieve any lasting commercial success, We-I left Giselle for a life of ascetic cave dwelling where he’d renounced all reason and logic. (Below, We-I after his decline)
“Yeah, that one really went weird there at the end,” recalls the model. “I knew he was pissed because his whole Spanish experiment ended so poorly, but when I refused to give up vodka tonics and sunbathing in my bikini, he flipped. I was young, and fiercely hot. I was just coming into my own, and partying was such a big deal for me. Besides, my rock hard tah-tahs got me so much attention, there was no way I was wearing a burka for him.”
After We-I, Urph took a long hiatus from dating. She’d focused on career in the subsequent years, though with limited success. She’d begun to feel distressed about her few magazine covers, and perhaps was slightly vulnerable to Merika’s advances when he’d first arrived on the scene. Petrovski, too, saw the chance for love with the still stunning model. Though the Russian and Urph saw each other on several occasions, the two never really hit it off.
“When he asked me to split all the dinner bills in the name of Universal Brotherhood, or some such bullshit, I knew I’d have to end it. Besides, Johnny was calling me all the time then, anyway. It was actually a pretty easy transition, especially with him willing to pick up all the tabs. At least that’s what he wanted me to think.”
Here, Giselle refers to Merika’s propensity, after several years together, to forget his wallet from time to time, forcing the model to dip into her own funds. These money woes were in fact one of the initial signs of stress between the former power couple. While Merika had initially offered to buy dinners and fancy clothes for his “Special Lady,” as he’d often referred to her, eventually the strain began to show. The businessman had hoped for some sort of “return on investment,” as he was often fond of saying. Merika has been quoted as saying, “Look. If you’re gonna blow all that hard earned dough on some chick, at some point, she better pay it back. I’m not going to get into too many gory details, but I really could have gone for something more exciting in the sack. After a while, I got tired of paying for all her fun.”
Asked if he’d had something in mind along the likes of the Anatoli Griego rumors, Merika offers only a terse “No comment!”
Again, Urph: “It got pretty annoying when he was trying to play it cool like he had all this cash in the bank, but he was always judging my decisions with my own money. We were out at Macy’s one day, and I wanted to get a dozen new pairs of Seven jeans. I know they’re expensive, but they make my ass look great. Christ, it’s my money, but when we were checking out, he kept sarcastically saying they were a bad choice and so unnecessary. Who the hell is he to judge me?”
For all of his criticism of Giselle’s private expenditures, Merika’s business ventures were beginning to fall upon hard times. He’d recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and had been humiliated at a recent casual dinner at Appleby’s after his credit card had been declined. Witnesses say that Urph had emptied her purse of cash, but the bill remained unresolved. Rumors abound that Merika joined in the dishwashing duties, and his recent quips about an “American Reinvestment Plan” do little to quell the disquiet.
Recently, Merika had begun to show the signs of his age. Perhaps most tellingly, his once rock had abs had given way to an unsightly paunch. His golden, flowing mane has been embarrassingly reduced by male pattern baldness. Though Merika remains that it’s perfectly natural for an aging superpower such as himself to begin to lose some of his old shine, the hefty amounts of McDonalds he’s recently taken to eating (no doubt partly due to his strapped budget) have left him worse for wear.
Another sign that the relationship was under strain was the constant disagreement on sports and leisure. Says Giselle, “(I)t got to the point where all he wanted to do was sit around and watch football with his awful buddy all weekend. I hate football. It’s despicably violent. I tried to get him interested in other stuff that we could do together, but he really wasn’t interested. My cricket suggestion went down in flames, and the one time I thought we’d have a chance with the soccer game I set up, it was more of the same childish tantrum crap.”
(Tex)
Here, Urph points out two signs of trouble. The first is Merika’s friendship with his insufferable friend, Tex. Tex had been a fraternity brother to Merika back in college, but had failed to ever move on from his drunken, abusive persona developed back at school. His trust fund (old family money from the oil business) has allowed for rampant temerity, and though the funds appear to be dwindling, his actions show little promise of forethought.
The second, of course, is the infamous soccer game Urph tried to stage in 1994. Jonathan was feeling experimental at the time, and agreed to play against Giselle in her favorite sport. “She kept calling it ‘football’ to try to trick me, and that’s the only reason I agreed to play. Every time I’d take the ball from her, she’d fall to the ground crying and scream ‘foul!’” Says Merika. “That’s a game for total puss bags. She’ll never forget when I scored my goal, though. God, I’m a natural at that inferior game.”
He refers, of course, to his celebration after his only goal of the game, a 13-1 demolition. He’s seen below, in the days where his blonde locks still reigned supreme. (There’s no word as to why he was wearing a sports bra)
“Around the time of the soccer game, I could see then that things were coming to an end,” says Urph. “And it just so happened that after the game, I was introduced to one of Johnny’s business partners. We hit it off then, and now that John and I have decided to break, we’ve been on a few dates. I don’t know if it’s serious, but the change of pace is really nice. We take long walks in the middle of the afternoon, and my God can he hit the clubs!”
Urph is, of course, speaking of her budding fling with new beau EUgene Schroder.
Merika was recently found in Tex’s basement, both of them blind drunk and playing a game they were calling “Tummy Sticks.” When asked for his romantic strategy following his break with Giselle, he simply muttered, “She’ll be back, she can’t resist this,” and pointed to his bulging belly, pink and distended from their game.
Despite his optimism, the two appear to have split for good. Giselle was last seen riding horses on an exclusive beach resort in Malta, EUgene laughing as he dismounted to spread a blanket for their picnic.
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