Boys and Girls! Voyeurs and Voyettes! Welcome back from your adventures along the gray cliffs, the golden shores, and the toils of the fields. You've stumbled back to Abaluba, and with it, the first installment of TD/HBI. I implore you to make a strong decision in your life, put down your work, and read the following rambles. These ideas might not always be connected, but I hope to heaven that you'll find them entertaining.
What kind of person are you? The question is too damn vague, and if I don't shepherd you towards my intended response, you'll wander the woods like a herd of cats, pouncing on mice and looking cuddly, but wriggling with ringworm and quick to bite. I need you to winnow down your essence, and decide between being Spontaneous and Formulaic. Neither answer is good or bad, in my mind. And truthfully, I'd love to hear your comments.
The question stems from a conversation my roommate and I just had concerning relationships. We were talking about friends of ours that had gotten engaged after a short period of time with boy/girlfriends, and, separately, the relative commonplace that we find among the ages of women who almost always determine they want children.
I asked Brian if he could empathize with his cousin's decision to marry her boyfriend of only six months. He could not. His response had nothing to do with his opinion of either his cousin or her boyfriend, of both he spoke highly. In fact, Brian was more concerned that the pair hadn't had sufficient time to "learn" the intricacies of the other's behavior and personality.
We reasoned that in general, there could only be two responses to such a decision. Either "you know when you know," trusting in the intuition of the body when presented with a person/relationship, or you believe that in fact that there's a certain number of interactions you need with someone before you largely are able to predict their response to a certain stimuli. Once you can predict their responses, you can then determine if this outcome, presented a certain percentage of the time, is something you can deal with in a partnership.
Brian said he felt that the latter was his perception. I find it really interesting that this is how he approaches rock climbs, specifically projecting routes of a certain grade. Brian will approach each climb with a very strategic plan for eventually redpointing the route. His training regimen leading up to his eventual success on the route will have a designed proportion of endurance, power/bouldering, anabolic and anaerobic components. He'll have done a certain number of routes at varying levels of difficulty proceeding his desired project. He perceives and runs his life largely the same way he spends his energy towards his greatest passion - climbing.
When he asked me how I saw things, I told him I'd like to think you know when you know, but in fact I was probably more mechanical. Largely, I believe you can control a situation and engineer certain desired outcomes based upon behavior. I find it very interesting, however, that my biggest conflicts during serious relationships have been times when I go straight from emotion to action, effectively neutering my ability to analyze and prepare myself, planning my actions. I'm no longer behaving in a way designed, so to speak, to bring me the most "good."
And the second behavioral concept we were talking about might be entirely driven by hormones. Take that with a grain of salt and the reality that it could very well be an uneducated and misinformed judgment by the author when he speaks of a group he doesn't usually understand: women.
My friend Jesse (boy) has heard of a a theory, and is fond of passing it along, that when women turn 31.5, they have a chemical change that says they want a kid. First of all, 31.5 is a great number, as it sounds so precise and scientific. It's probably just an ingenious detail that provides a great hook, or at least some sort of rounding for average.
If a woman is 31.5, her biological odds of having a healthy baby are widely understood to begin to decrease dramatically. It seems plausible to believe that through evolution, humans have come to largely exhibit similar behavior. So normal a group can't be spontaneous in the face of estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and human chorionic gonadotropin. Can they?
This isn't to say that ALL 31.5 year old women will all feel the exact same way about kids. Lots of them may, though, and that might be enough to wonder if, in general, similar demographics are going to turn out a certain way most of the time.
Speaking of Jesse...he is a third grade teacher, and will ask his kiddos a "question of the day." He'll write the question on the board and provide a list of possible answers, and the kids move a name tag into the answer with which they most agree. Some of his recent questions:
Q: What Would Make Colorado a Better Place (Pick one)
A1: Monkeys
A2: The Beach
A3: Disneyland
A4: Volcanoes
A5: Dinosaurs
(Q: The sad winner? A3)
I wonder if he'll ask the kids if A1: humans are willing to throw caution to the wind, marry a sweetheart and knock her up when she's 24 (regardless of whether she's biologically facing a deadline,) or A2: are we nothing more than robots programmed with an identifiable quota of chemicals and experience that make us all largely predicable. Me? I'll always vote for the stegosaurus. A5.
Whatcha reckon?
In a perhaps related twist of my neurons, I've been wondering if I'll find a woman with whom I'll finally fall totally in love. Will she come to pass me in a supermarket, smile a dashing hello and turn out to intertwine so perfectly with my heart that I'll find it impossible to walk away? Or will I merely wake up one day and decide that another year of solitary bachelorhood is something I couldn't abide, finally feeling the comfort in certainty when I decide, once and for all, that an 84/100 is a very winnable hand, and I might as well throw in my chips to make sure.
5 comments:
Since you asked, I think I fall in line like yourself, "you'll know when you know", yet I am also more logical though, nor truly trusting that feeling (probably due to being burned before.) In the long run though, I must admit I'd still hope for that outcome, as a totally predictable, safe, well-reasoned relationship isn't my ultimate goal. (Aside from a minimum level of stability, ie, don't stab me)
Why settle for an 84 out of a 100 when you have a 99.5 out of a 100 right here?!
A1: Monkeys- clearly.
Now that the most important question is out of the way...
The biological clock- largely socially constructed I contend. And I say largely with purpose because there is probably some biology in there but who knows how much. I think there are so many environmental factors that go into why women would want to have a kid, it's hard to tease out just why (social pressure to "be a woman", for example) I do know that women used to have kids at a much earlier age then nowadays- have hormones decided to show themselves at different times in history or have social pressures and factors changed?...
Can't it be both? The "when" in "you know when you know" doesn't have to be instantaneous. My emendation: you know when you come to know. It accounts for the different ways by which we eventually make sense of things. (Which also betrays my conviction that "knowing" can't be absolute because it's based on a judgment that, however logical, is still personal.)
A: Great conversation to have and couldn’t be more difficult…
B: I believe, It’s a compilation of both and somewhat the tricky part…
Bullet points considered, I have come to believe that nothing’s pre-defined, some things can be calculated but the reality is you need to know who you are before you can start calculating or know when she’s the one, otherwise it’s like an egotistical college kid with book smarts and no street cred… and like saying a business won’t succeed because of some financial numbers you learned about, while overlooking the reality that passion, a dream, and hard work can still get you there… I agree with the 31.5, it’s fucking scary… I’ve met more girls at that age that I want to run from because they are just as confused as dudes… they have a predetermined track, plan, etc… , In my calculated thinking as a 34 year old, I believe that 25 to 28 year olds are the perfect age b/c I’ve got at least two years before marriage is pressed and the rest falls in place either you break up or you move forward. However, as a romantic, because I’ve learned from life with calculations in mind, that experience encompasses it all, both mine and theirs… be it talking to a bum on the street or a high society hot chick I’ve learned that views, passion and integrity don’t come in pre-qualified packages b/c each person is ultimately different and has something that can offer me. Even if it’s over a cigarette. No I didn’t sleep with the bum, just the hot chick. But the bum taught me more about life than she did… Therefore, I ultimately don’t give a shit what age she is, as long as she contributes to what I want in life, understands my needs and the space and support I need to reach my dreams, and I can do the same for her, it’s a good match (to start)… it’s awful, because I love someone who’s 39 and has all of this, but I do want kids, so my calculation side has to make a play…SOOOOO, Yes, there are odds, and yes there are calculations. I do go into a relationship with them…. But like a stereotype… i.e the Chinese can’t drive… the jewish are cheap and blondes are dumb… I’ve been proved wrong… I would encourage you to balance the calculations with the soul, otherwise it’s an uneducated, short term play heavily weighted to what ultimately shouldn’t matter when you’re in love… it’s the heart, not the numbers… The “she’s it” is gonna have it’s own staying power based on your ability to feel true to what you want and her support with it… butterflies fuck us all up. Sometimes for weeks &months, but sometimes just for a lap dance… So it’s when your down from the high and life hits you in the face like a drunk with no regard, and she’s still there with no uncalled for comments, bullshit requests, unrealistic expectations or drama, but a person that cares and supports, while doing her own thing… If so, she COULD be the one… I don’t care if that’s 2 minutes, 2 weeks or 2 years. When I realize this feeling inside, I’m running with it. Where it ends will be calculated by how long it takes for us to stay on the same page… if all of a sudden we’re reading different books, I’ll walk, but if it’s simply a matter of her reading a different chapter, we can both come together and discuss what it’s all about..
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