Zen and the Art of the Temper Tantrum

I've got no one to blame but myself, but that didn't stop me from shouting. I fell off the route I've been trying, Pump a Rama (as it's boringly named). Instead of chalking it up to training mileage, or blaming tired fingers, I yelled at no one in particular, but then at my belayer, Brian. Then, I yelled at Ander, my buddy who was chatting it up with Brian while I was climbing. "It's so distracting! All I could think about was your conversation...Jesus!"

It would have been completely acceptable for them to laugh in my face, punch me in the jaw, or tell me to take up golf and fuck off. They could have reminded me that If I wanted total silence while I was climbing, I had better start soloing....far away from them. Instead, though, both were way more understanding than necessary. I think this is because each of them could relate to what it's like to want to send a route and feel like it's almost in the bag, only to have things fail to come together.

That's where I am with "Pump," and things haven't come together yet. I'm getting to the point where I want to be free from the spell of needing to send it. Free from the idea that I can't move on to anything else until I've clipped the anchors and crossed it off the list. I even gave it another try after my little meltdown this afternoon, and fell off from essentially the last hold before the difficulty eases to a point that I shouldn't fall. I emphasize "shouldn't," but there are another 15 feet of climbing and the snake is always in the grass.

I think there are a couple of reasons that I'm putting more pressure on this route than on some others that I've done. I managed to do a different route, this one a hard 5.12 called Block Horror Show, really quickly to start the season. There are even some people who hint that "Blocky" might be closer to 5.13a. For me, though, it really fit my strengths as a climber, and I managed to do it pretty quickly for my standards on the hard 12 grade. I was really excited, and was hoping that my next project, "Pump," would go well. Not the case. I've been working on this one long enough to feel like I should be done by now, and measuring success against the "Blocky" timeline is frustrating.

I'm also really hoping to finish "Pump" from a standpoint of pure vanity. "Pump" is 13a by nearly everyone's measure, and I consider this the benchmark grade for hard, hard sport climbing. I've done a couple of other routes that have been called 13, but I'd take a fair amount of vindication from doing my first one in Rifle. The more I think about it, I'm basically waiting for an external actor, in this case an impersonal hunk of stone, to pad my ego. And I'm fine with it.

The third reason that I'm so ready to send this route weighs heaviest on my mind. Especially when the other two reasons start to muddle my thoughts and add to the pressure. I'm single, a bachelor, dumped...and it's largely due to the fact that I put climbing on such a pedestal. Kate couldn't stay with me because I wouldn't unilaterally put her first. I can't blame her for the stance, but if that's going to be the case; if I'm going to let relationships lay fallow and eventually fall apart, I better have a good goddamn reason for doing so. I better be sending routes.

Not sending, then, is frustration on a double front. If I don't finish a project, it's worse than simply falling before the anchors. The bitterness of knowing I'm still under the spell of a climb, or worse, my own ego, is nothing compared to the feeling that I've given up love so that I could fall off of a rock instead of stand on its summit.

Maybe that's the lesson, then. Maybe I need to be OK with the falling, and find a little Zen in the movement. Whatever the lesson, I hope I can learn to eliminate the temper tantrums, lest I lose all my friends and belay partners, too.